And then some days, it just sneaks up on you.
I had my mid year performance review this morning. It was all good and positive (you're doing great, you're an asset to the team, yadda yadda yadda) and actually had me a great mood. Nice way to start the day, as well as the week. #WINNING #AT #MY #JOB
I came back to my desk, sat down, plopped my Bluetooth earpiece in (don't hate, I'm not a Jawbone wearing douchehole outside of work....my Bluetooth earpiece is actually my desk phone (it works through my office Lync IM) and as an added bonus, I can pair it to my phone and listen to my music) and hit shuffle. The first song that came up?
Queen Bey and Hova
(WTF does Hova even mean?)
Crazy In Love. And I am crying my eyes out.
She texted me one day out of the blue, snorting laughing at the line in the song "Got me hopin' he'd page me right now", simply because of the reference about pagers. How very 2001 of you!
It's that kind of stuff now. The days of my sitting here crying for no reason all day long are over. Those days have passed for me (thank you Lord) but it's days like today where it happens and I can't stop it. Eventually, even these things won't make me cry any more, but just bring a smile to my face. I'm so looking forward to that. When all I can remember are the fun times, the good times, the times we got ourselves into - and out of - trouble.
I came across an envelope the other day, in my garage, from her Christmas card. It's in her handwriting. I can't throw it away. I know that is ridiculous, it needs to be tossed, but it's the last thing I have of her that she actually touched and if you touch it to throw it away, I will kill you where you stand, be sure of that. I'm sure that eventually I will be able to throw it away, just not today.
I've noticed that I used the word "eventually" quite a bit in this post. Eventually I will quit hurting every morning when I wake up and she's gone. Eventually I will laugh instead of cry. Eventuallllllly. I suppose this is all part of the process. This hateful, ugly, but necessary process of grieving. It sucks.
Considering changing the name of this blog to "Mopey Depressing Things" here lately. Goodness. I am not entirely in the darkness now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I WILL get there.
Eventually.
You can keep that envelope forever if you want. I had my sisters phone number in my phone for eight years, and even then I hesitated to delete it.
ReplyDeleteI think I am going to pick a favorite picture of her and I and then frame it with the card envelope. Something. I can't throw it away.
ReplyDeleteShe's still in my phone and on my FB friends list of course. Every time I open my contacts list in my phone, she's right at the top because she was in my "favorites" and came alphabetically first. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to take her number out of my phone.
Grief is a funny thing, you never know when the bastard is going to sneak up and punch you in the gut. Keep feeling, it's the only way to get to the other side of this. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteTrue that my friend. I know I have to feel these things, so I let them happen. I can be sobbing so hard I can't breathe one second and cackling maniacally the next at something funny about her and I. I think Scott is a little confused, but he is hanging in there and rolling with my waves. God love that man. :)
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