Solid Advice

A friend of mine, Lynda, reached out to me today.  She had read my blog and seen my post about people telling me to "get over it" about Catherine's death and wanted to share a piece of her own grief journey with me.

Lynda's beautiful sister passed away from non-smoking related lung cancer.  She left behind a toddler, a sister, parents, family, friends.  She was too young.  Lynda knows a thing or two about walking through grief and she has some really, really fucking solid advice.  I asked for permission to share this list of things to NOT say to someone grieving and she graciously agreed to let me share it.  It's a great piece of advice for anyone that knows someone suffering a big loss.

I dedicate this list to my new friend Cher.  I have known her for years in the periphery of mutual internet friends, but her and I had never connected.  As soon as Catherine passed away, Cher was one of the first to message me, sharing her own grief with me.  Just a week before, a dear friend of hers had suddenly passed away.  A week later, Catherine.  She was devastated.  Incredibly, just a week later, Cher lost her mother.  3 weeks, 3 suffocating losses.  I'm truly amazed at this woman's strength in the face of so, so much loss.  I know how I feel losing just one.  Multiply that by 3 and there she is.  She has a fabulous family to help hold her up during this time, but she is so, so broken and fragile right now.  She'll be back to her normal strong, sassy, spectacular self soon (and it will be glorious) but right now, she needs to be sad.  It's part of the process.  I get that and everyone else needs to get that too.

People say things to grieving people with the best of intentions.  These things are often the worst possible thing you could say to someone in this state.  Well meaning or not, they are just not the right thing to say.  

If you know someone suffering any kind of loss, whether it is friend, spouse, sibling, parent, cousin - someone important to that person - please heed these few things when being with someone suffering grief.

1. Don't tell someone to get over it or move on.  Don't tell them what they have to do.  
2.  Remember that even when a person seems like they are getting better, they are still grieving.  This can go on for years. 
3.  Listen.  Really listen.
4.  Sympathize, but be honest about it.  "I can't imagine what you are going through" or "I went through something similar when I lost my grandpa" lets the person know they aren't alone.
5.  Reach out to them, especially holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death.  Even after the first year. 
6. Remember them and their loved one(s) after the "firsts" are over.  After the first year, people seem to forget.  The person who lost someone never forgets.
7.  Let them cry.  Don't be afraid of making them cry.  If someone loses someone, they are in all likelyhood going to cry.  It doesn't matter if you are there or not, it's going to happen.
8.  Don't try to rush them through grieving.  Time heals all wounds.  I know that even after almost 4 years, my wounds still feel like they are healing, even if they are scabbed over.
9.  Share positive, loving memories of the person if you knew the person they lost.  This helps.  If you are worried about making the person cry, refer to #7.
10. Offer to go to dinner, coffee, a movie with them.  But if they say no, don't give up and think it is because they don't want to be with you.  They are going through a traumatic loss.  They may tell you no a lot before they tell you yes.  In fact, it may come to the point where you say, "Let's go for coffee and I am not taking no for an answer."

Thank you Lynda for this list.  I think it is spot on.  I would only add one more thing.  In today's world of social media, we are all connected in so many ways.  Like, you are friends with me, my kids, husband, cousins, etc on Facebook.  If I suffer a loss, be mindful of what you post/say on social media.  Understand that what you say will be seen by other family/friends of mine and your words can be very hurtful**.

Just, be mindful.  Offer condolences.  Offer support.  Offer love.  Offer prayers.  Offer to bring a casserole so they don't have to cook.  Be there.  Be present.  Be attentive.  Come offer momentary distractions.  Be silly.  Make them smile.  Make them laugh.  But don't disparage the dead, in any way shape or form, no fucking matter what the circumstances were before the person passed.  Your friend/family needs you most of all right now.  

(**full disclosure - this has not happened to me, but I've seen it happen in the past and it is hateful)