School Is No Joke And Other Things

I am one week into this MBA program and I am really liking it, but it is not easy.  But then, nothing worth having/doing is easy, right?  It's taken me a bit to get back into the swing of the pace and I STILL can't figure out how to put my text books on my Kindle, but I'm really liking it.  My entire bachelor's program was through an online school that had WAY more work and problem students and just general lack of sleep and rage (when that one team mate just won't do his/her part and you are up until midnight the day of submittal) than the grad school I'm going through.  I guess at the MBA level, people are slightly more mature (yay!), at least so far, and the amount of work is generally far less than the crushing amount of work I did on my bachelors.  So, we'll see.  :)

In my spare time (hahahaha), I'm still working on baby blankets.  If I don't get moving, the one I'm making right now will be given to this little boy when he graduates high school.  After that, I have another one on deck (and have the yarn and am ready to go) for another impending babeh (in January).  And once THOSE are done, I want to make a blanket for Scott and another one for me because my dogs have claimed my afghan.  Damn them.  THEN.....I found a new crochet blog (well new to me) that I LOOOOVE, called Stitch and Unwind.  She has amazing patterns, literally 1000's of them for free.  Lots of fun, whimsical amiguri, hats, blankets, wearables, etc.  In fact, she recently reviewed two crochet patterns and two knit patterns for plus sized items.  As a lady with some curves, I absolutely LOVE that Lion Brand has started to put some out.  You can only modify a sweater pattern just so much to make it fit on a woman with curves before you just end up with a shapeless potato sack. 

I TOTALLY want to make that crochet cardigan.  I can't knit, which sucks, because I love the knit sweater with the peep holes in the shoulder.  Someone make that for me!  LOL LOL  Click that link up there to go to her blog, or specifically to the section with the patterns.  Such lovelies.  

I'm now about 1 month without a Diet Coke.  Again, haven't died and haven't killed anyone, so I view this as a success!  Truthfully though, I really don't want one any more.  The first week or 10 days was the absolute worst, but now, I don't hesitate in restaurants to order iced tea.  I feel like when I do have one (because, there will be occasions) I'm not going to like it.  I drink my iced tea unsweet (you sweet tea people....gah-ross) so going back to something that is sweetened will be a shock, I'm sure.  A tasty, wonderful, carbonated shock, but a shock none the less. 

We FINALLY got our pool put up.  It's only nearly August for pity's sake.  It's all good though, because we'll be able to use it clear into September here.  We don't actually get cold here (ever lol) until after Halloween, so we'll still get a few months of use out of the pool.  Can't wait to get in and float.  Water is my calm place, where I go to relax, let go and just BE.  I live in a place that has summer for about 8 months out of the year and don't have a pool in the ground.  That makes me sad!  So, we got one of the easy set pools.  15 feet wide, 3 feet deep.  Just enough for me to float, which is all I want.  :)  It's supposed to be a billion degrees on Sunday (okay, that might be an exaggeration....but it is supposed to be over 100 here, which is bad, but then you figure on at least 90% humidity along with it and you want to die) so we are either going to lay in that pool all day or are going to the beach.  I vote for the beach.  Water is great, in any way, but the beach, the ocean, is by FAR the best.  It's my favorite, and God willing I will never be more than a 20 minute drive from it ever again. 

So, there you have it.  School, crochet, no Diet Coke, beach/summer...all I'm missing from this blog is pictures of the puppy.  LMAO 

Student Again

Today is the first official day of my MBA program.  I've got a staggering amount of reading to do this week.  Like, 200 pages worth.  Goodness.  My new Kindle (my old Kindle died a few weeks ago for no damn reason whatsoever) won't be here until middle of the week and I need it for my text books.  Until it gets here, I had to print out the pages to read. 

(Reminder to self:  buy a printer)

I had a really great weekend.  Saturday morning, after Scott headed off to work (at 5:30am....poor guy) I got myself up (well, at about 8 LOL) and went to breakfast by myself (I actually really enjoy taking a book and having a leisurely breakfast by myself occasionally), got my toes done (good LORD, they were last done right before my cruise in APRIL), and cut a good solid 7 inches off my hair.  My hair is to my shoulders and is so healthy now.  It was definitely the right decision.  It desperately needed to be cut off. 

Saturday, after Scott got off work, we went and picked up new living room and patio furniture.  Well, not NEW, but new to me.  A friend of mine had a furnished rental house that she just sold.  She doesn't need the couch for her own house, and my couch is old, so I snagged it from her house.  It's a beautiful, big dark blue sectional with recliners, a hide-a-bed and heated/massaging chairs.  Very nice.  She also had some nice wicker patio furniture that she didn't need so I snagged that too.  OH and a Keurig.  Yay!  I don't drink coffee (gah-ross), but I drink hot tea like a boss.  Scott drinks coffee, but only occasionally and only 1 cup.  This thing is perfect! 

Then Sunday, I met my friends for lunch at a Mexican place near my house that makes a STUFFED, BREADED, DEEP FRIED, WHOLE AVOCADO (this is why I'm fat).  It's ridiculously tasty.  Then after lunch we went to a divey little bar that I adore and watched a friend of mine play music for 3 hours on the patio.  Mind you, it was 100 degrees yesterday, with a spectacular feels like temperature of 110.  It was stupid hot.  (I looked over and there was someone with a hand fan, covered in sunflowers.  Seriously.)  It was a great time, with great friends, listening to great music.  I haven't had fun like that in several weeks now. 

Yesterday, while getting ready to go out, I popped into the shower, after putting down the baby blanket I'm crocheting right now down in the living room.  I came out after the shower to find my blanket on the floor which, I'll be honest, freaked me out....this woman is due to have her baby very soon and I thought that the puppy had eaten the blanket and I was going to have to start over. 

Nope.  She ate my crochet hook.  SHE ATE MY CUSTOM MADE, NOT CHEAP, CROCHET HOOK. 

*cries eyes out*

I can't even really be mad at her.  I mean, she's a 5 month old puppy who is teething.  She chews on everything, including us and even herself (she is in love with her feet....constantly working on her foot like its a chicken bone...LOL) and I left it down where she could get it and then I left the room for 20 minutes to get showered.  AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.  It was my favorite hook too.  But, really, how can you be mad at this face? 

You can't.

I need to keep having more weekends like this last one.  It was pretty damn great.  :) 

Change Is Not Necessarily Bad, Right?

I will admit, in the last 5 weeks I have made some pretty significant changes in my life.  Just day before yesterday I posted that I was considering chopping my long hair off. 

1. I live in the mouth of Hell.  It's always up in a bun or ponytail anyway because it's too damn hot to do anything else with it.
2. It's very long, but I'll cop to not really taking proper care of it.  It's straggly, ends are split terrible, it's not very healthy.  A good chop, of 6 or 7 inches would actually really do wonders for it.

A friend of mine commented on that particular Facebook verbal spew of mine about how much change I'd been going through and did I really want to do this (chop my hair).  And that made me really think about things. 

5 weeks ago today, I was rocked to my core, by the sudden stunning loss of a part of my soul.  Change number 1 - and the biggest and certainly most significant change in my life.  I didn't choose that change, it choose me (take it back, please).  Her death was ultimately ruled as sudden onset acute liver failure.  She didn't live the healthiest life (over weight, drank wine, nearly no exercise) and paid the ultimate price for it.  I firmly believe that this liver failure might have happened to her no matter what her physical condition was, but it made me take a look at her overall health, and my own health. 

Change number 2 - I changed the way I eat.  I was toying with Atkins, going total no carb, and decided to not do that strictly, but follow the philosophy of very little carbs, lots and lots of protein and cutting out as much processed sugar as I can (which is hard because holy crap, processed sugar is in EVERYTHING).  I am a 20 year veteran of weight loss surgery, so for me, losing weight is fairly easy.  I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be right now because despite the surgery, I tend to eat my feelings and there have been a LOT OF FEELINGS lately.  Being a long time vet of the procedure, I've also figured out what I can eat that comforts me and ultimately is full of empty calories (mmmm, ice cream, peanut butter cups, chips and dip, pretty much anything not good for you).  I need to knock that crap off and get myself healthy again.  Lose some weight, maybe gain a bit of muscle.  Maybe it will help my poor deranged arthritic knee (seriously, doctor called it a 'deranged patella') as well.  This is a positive change.  I even got the fiancé to try to play along with me. 

Change number 3 - I GAVE UP DIET COKE.  OMFG.  I'm 7 days in to no Diet Coke now.  Not a drop.  I walk past the machine at work and I literally salivate.  I want one so bad.  However, even though it's diet soda and not full sugar, it's still incredibly bad for you.  So much sodium, so many chemicals.  Catherine always fussed at me about how much I drank.  I could smash a 12 pack in 2 days...and that's during the week, when I'm at work all day.  That means, in a period of less than 8 total hours, I'd down 12 sodas.  That is not good for you!!  I've switched to drinking water and tea (hot and iced) exclusively.  After a week, I guess I feel a little better?  I know I'm saving a shit pile of money.  Diet Coke 12 packs are running damn near $5 each now. 

Change number 4 - I signed up for grad school. 

Crap on a cracker.  Next 11 months of my life.



This is something that I wanted to do, and had actually started the process of doing a few years ago.  I got hung up because the dickhole university (rhymes with University of Shmoenix) I got my bachelor's degree from refused to release my transcript to the new university, claiming I owed them a pile of money for some class.  This was 100% untrue because my company paid my entire bill for the undergrad program - every damn penny.  I didn't owe them a dime.  It took me 2 years to get that all straightened out.  Once that was all sorted, I had my grandbaby living with me and just didn't have time.  She was very into education and was so encouraging of me for wanting to go do this.  So, I'm doing it.  I begin class on Monday July 20 (SIX DAYS). 

Change 5 - I want to cut my hair. 

So, here we are.  Now that I've listed them out, they are very substantial (except the hair thing, that's just because I'm tired of it and it's HOT).  However, I feel they are all positive for me and my family.  None of these changes are "start using heroin" or "rob convenience stores for a living".  These are changes designed to improve my quality of life.  Catherine died at 40 years old.  FORTY.  If there is anything I can do now, any changes I can make now, to help me live longer for my children, my grandchild, my fiancé, my friends, I'm all down to do it. 

So, how about this cut? 

When It Sneaks Up On You

Nearly 5 weeks after Catherine's death, I'm about 50/50.  Some days are good and I am in good shape.  Some days are awful and I just want to lay in bed and cry. 

And then some days, it just sneaks up on you.

I had my mid year performance review this morning.  It was all good and positive (you're doing great, you're an asset to the team, yadda yadda yadda) and actually had me a great mood.  Nice way to start the day, as well as the week.  #WINNING #AT #MY #JOB

I came back to my desk, sat down, plopped my Bluetooth earpiece in (don't hate, I'm not a Jawbone wearing douchehole outside of work....my Bluetooth earpiece is actually my desk phone (it works through my office Lync IM) and as an added bonus, I can pair it to my phone and listen to my music) and hit shuffle.  The first song that came up? 

Queen Bey and Hova

(WTF does Hova even mean?)





Crazy In Love.  And I am crying my eyes out. 

She texted me one day out of the blue, snorting laughing at the line in the song "Got me hopin' he'd page me right now", simply because of the reference about pagers.  How very 2001 of you! 

It's that kind of stuff now.  The days of my sitting here crying for no reason all day long are over.  Those days have passed for me (thank you Lord) but it's days like today where it happens and I can't stop it.  Eventually, even these things won't make me cry any more, but just bring a smile to my face.  I'm so looking forward to that.  When all I can remember are the fun times, the good times, the times we got ourselves into - and out of - trouble.   

I came across an envelope the other day, in my garage, from her Christmas card.  It's in her handwriting.  I can't throw it away.  I know that is ridiculous, it needs to be tossed, but it's the last thing I have of her that she actually touched and if you touch it to throw it away, I will kill you where you stand, be sure of that.  I'm sure that eventually I will be able to throw it away, just not today. 

I've noticed that I used the word "eventually" quite a bit in this post.  Eventually I will quit hurting every morning when I wake up and she's gone.  Eventually I will laugh instead of cry.  Eventuallllllly.  I suppose this is all part of the process.  This hateful, ugly, but necessary process of grieving.  It sucks. 

Considering changing the name of this blog to "Mopey Depressing Things" here lately.  Goodness.  I am not entirely in the darkness now.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I WILL get there. 

Eventually. 

Solid Advice

A friend of mine, Lynda, reached out to me today.  She had read my blog and seen my post about people telling me to "get over it" about Catherine's death and wanted to share a piece of her own grief journey with me.

Lynda's beautiful sister passed away from non-smoking related lung cancer.  She left behind a toddler, a sister, parents, family, friends.  She was too young.  Lynda knows a thing or two about walking through grief and she has some really, really fucking solid advice.  I asked for permission to share this list of things to NOT say to someone grieving and she graciously agreed to let me share it.  It's a great piece of advice for anyone that knows someone suffering a big loss.

I dedicate this list to my new friend Cher.  I have known her for years in the periphery of mutual internet friends, but her and I had never connected.  As soon as Catherine passed away, Cher was one of the first to message me, sharing her own grief with me.  Just a week before, a dear friend of hers had suddenly passed away.  A week later, Catherine.  She was devastated.  Incredibly, just a week later, Cher lost her mother.  3 weeks, 3 suffocating losses.  I'm truly amazed at this woman's strength in the face of so, so much loss.  I know how I feel losing just one.  Multiply that by 3 and there she is.  She has a fabulous family to help hold her up during this time, but she is so, so broken and fragile right now.  She'll be back to her normal strong, sassy, spectacular self soon (and it will be glorious) but right now, she needs to be sad.  It's part of the process.  I get that and everyone else needs to get that too.

People say things to grieving people with the best of intentions.  These things are often the worst possible thing you could say to someone in this state.  Well meaning or not, they are just not the right thing to say.  

If you know someone suffering any kind of loss, whether it is friend, spouse, sibling, parent, cousin - someone important to that person - please heed these few things when being with someone suffering grief.

1. Don't tell someone to get over it or move on.  Don't tell them what they have to do.  
2.  Remember that even when a person seems like they are getting better, they are still grieving.  This can go on for years. 
3.  Listen.  Really listen.
4.  Sympathize, but be honest about it.  "I can't imagine what you are going through" or "I went through something similar when I lost my grandpa" lets the person know they aren't alone.
5.  Reach out to them, especially holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death.  Even after the first year. 
6. Remember them and their loved one(s) after the "firsts" are over.  After the first year, people seem to forget.  The person who lost someone never forgets.
7.  Let them cry.  Don't be afraid of making them cry.  If someone loses someone, they are in all likelyhood going to cry.  It doesn't matter if you are there or not, it's going to happen.
8.  Don't try to rush them through grieving.  Time heals all wounds.  I know that even after almost 4 years, my wounds still feel like they are healing, even if they are scabbed over.
9.  Share positive, loving memories of the person if you knew the person they lost.  This helps.  If you are worried about making the person cry, refer to #7.
10. Offer to go to dinner, coffee, a movie with them.  But if they say no, don't give up and think it is because they don't want to be with you.  They are going through a traumatic loss.  They may tell you no a lot before they tell you yes.  In fact, it may come to the point where you say, "Let's go for coffee and I am not taking no for an answer."

Thank you Lynda for this list.  I think it is spot on.  I would only add one more thing.  In today's world of social media, we are all connected in so many ways.  Like, you are friends with me, my kids, husband, cousins, etc on Facebook.  If I suffer a loss, be mindful of what you post/say on social media.  Understand that what you say will be seen by other family/friends of mine and your words can be very hurtful**.

Just, be mindful.  Offer condolences.  Offer support.  Offer love.  Offer prayers.  Offer to bring a casserole so they don't have to cook.  Be there.  Be present.  Be attentive.  Come offer momentary distractions.  Be silly.  Make them smile.  Make them laugh.  But don't disparage the dead, in any way shape or form, no fucking matter what the circumstances were before the person passed.  Your friend/family needs you most of all right now.  

(**full disclosure - this has not happened to me, but I've seen it happen in the past and it is hateful)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Ever since the worst day ever 4 weeks ago, my health has been heavily on my mind.  Catherine was only 40 years old when she suddenly died from sudden onset acute liver failure.  FORTY.  Way too young.  Admittedly, she did not lead the healthiest lifestyle.  Because who believes that they are going to die at 40? 

Well, message received my friend.  After I spent a few weeks eating my feelings (and I had a lot of feelings and ate a lot of crappy stuff), I finally decided that I need to change things.  Lots of things.  I toyed around with doing the Atkins diet.  In the end, I decided not to do that 100% but use some aspects from the diet plan along with good old fashioned better, cleaner eating and exercise.  I was struggling very hard with having to give up fruit for so long.  With Atkins, there is NO sugar and very few carbs in the first 2 weeks.  Fruit is full of sugar, so they are a no-no.  If I have to eat diet food, I want to be able to eat fruit at least, to help satisfy my craving for something sweet.  I'm going to seriously concentrate on cutting out all processed sugar.  I've heard it can be ugly.  Your body has to basically detox from the sugar and craves it maniacally for a few days. 

The other big thing I'm changing is literally giving me anxiety.  Are you ready?  I can't believe I'm even going to say this. 

 

I'M GIVING UP MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS DIET COKE.

That statement makes me want to throw up.  I love Diet Coke beyond all reason.  However, even I recognize that the rate of my consumption of said perfect bubbly drink is ridiculous.  I cannot continue to hoover a 12 pack of Diet Coke every 2 days.  Even though it's diet, so I'm not getting all the sugar, I'm getting the sugar substitute (that stuff that gives rats cancer) and I'm getting so SO much sodium.  It's literally an empty drink.  By that I mean it is nutritionally empty.  There is not a single nutritionally redeeming value about the soda.

 

BUT THAT'S WHY IT'S SO DAMN GOOD. 

So, as of right this second, I'm now 48 hours without a Diet Coke.  I have not died.  More importantly, no one else has died either.  I am drinking water and tea (unsweetened.....sweet tea is GROSS). 

I can do this.  I have to do this.  I'm 45.  I have 2 children and a grandchild.  I have a fiancé who loves me.  And, I don't want to put my friends through what I've gone through for the past month because of my sudden death....especially if I could have done things to prevent it.  Catherine didn't know what was wrong and it happened so fast she couldn't have stopped it.  But I can do things now to be healthier.  And I MUST.  Seriously. 

Today Was A Good Day

Today was the first time in 3 weeks that I didn't cry.  Not even once.  Even when talking about Catherine, no tears.  Maybe I'm turning a small corner in this grief journey?  I certainly hope so.  I'm tired of being a raw damn nerve at all times.

I spoke to her husband a few nights ago.  His journey is considerably more difficult, of course.  He is, thankfully, getting out of their apartment soon.  His boss is leaving the country for a few months, and he is going to housesit while he figures out what to do.  This is an amazing blessing.  He has been wonderfully supported by his employer during this time.  They have been very generous with him, giving him the space, time and help he needs during this time.

OH!  Fabulous news!  Thanks to the generosity of the people that her life touched, one of her favorite charities, Soup's On, received $800 in donations in her name.  She lived in downtown Indianapolis and went to church downtown.  As in every large metropolitan area, there is a large homeless and poverty stricken population in the area.  The Robert Park United Methodist Church provides a hot meal every single Sunday afternoon to anyone who needs it.  Catherine was very passionate about this cause and volunteered to serve meals.  She was especially concerned about the children and had noted that the church didn't have enough high chairs/boosters for the kids.  This $800 donated in her name, in unbelievable generosity, is going to purchase many high chairs and boosters for the church's Soup's On Sunday event.  She would be SO pleased.  She would be absolutely chuffed at how much money was donated in her name, but deep inside?  Thrilled.

Okay, on to my day......

One of my SO's college friends was in town on vacation (I live in a rather 'vacationy' place), so we went to the beach and met them for lunch.  Added fun?  I got to spend the day with my "bonus" daughter (it's complicated...but....my daughter moved to Texas with her baby to live with me 2 1/2 years ago, and brought her best friend.....last summer my kid moved back to Missouri, but the best friend stayed here in Texas....hence...."bonus" daughter).  We went to lunch with his college friends at a great hamburger joint at the beach and then they had to get on the road to avoid hideous rush hour traffic headed back home.  Then we headed to my HAPPY PLACE.

Good grief, I adore the beach
(fyi, that is SO's shoe....)

I was born in a hospital that sat on a beach, I was a competitive swimmer from the age of 4 to 18.  We owned a boat when I was growing up and I went water skiing every weekend.  I have moved around this country, always trying to be as close to the beach as I can be.  I live 20 minutes from the beach now.  This is my happy place.  My place of solace.  Where I can relax, let go and be comfortable.

As it is with many other things we shared, I was worried the beach would be a place of sadness for me.  Catherine and I shared an intense love of the beach and the ocean in general.  She was going to come here to visit me in September and we were going to borrow a friends RV and go camp at the beach for 5 days.  However, as soon as we got there, and I got into that water, I was so good.  I was happy.  I was comfortable.  I was at peace.  It was a great day.

Then I came home to find on my FB, a photo of the state of Michigan taken from outer space by one of the astronauts on the Space Station.  She is literally shoving herself in my face every time I turn around.

I love it.

(fyi, if you are in America - happy 4th of July.  Be happy to be American, but don't be a dumbass....no DUI's and don't blow your bits up.  Enjoy responsibly, please.  :))